Sex Ed #1: A Short Lesson on Anal Toy Safety (+ “WTF were they thinking?”)

So when it comes to anal toy safety, there are two main rules:
1. Lube is important! (Your anus does not self-lubricate, and lubrication is important to prevent pain/tears. Lots and lots of lube is a good idea!)
2. ONLY USE TOYS THAT HAVE A FLARED BASE!!! (Or a ring, or basically something that prevents the whole toy from going into your butt)

You may ask why is #2 so important. You see, the sphincter muscles of the anus are strong, and when they contract, they may suck in any toy that’s inserted! (Would you like to go to the ER and possibly need surgery to get a sex toy out of your rectum? Didn’t think so.) A flared base prevents the whole toy from going in, since it will stop right outside the anus.

There are a few sex toy designs besides a flared base that prevent the toy from going in completely. Rings (which are common in anal beads), spherical ends (that are significantly wider than the shaft of the toy!), and “rabbit style”/dual-stimulation toys can all serve this purpose. “Having a strong grip” is not reliable, especially when the toy is all lubed up!

Here some examples of toys that are ass-friendly. All photos courtesy of Smitten Kitten. (They rock!)

VixSkin Mustang gets BUTT FRIENDLY APPROVAL! (Yay flared base!)

Fun Factory Bendy Beads get BUTT FRIENDLY APPROVAL! (Yay for that ring thing!)

Njoy Fun Wand gets BUTT FRIENDLY APPROVAL! (Yay for spherical things!)

Fun Factory Tango gets BUTT FRIENDLY APPROVAL! (Yay for “rabbit style!”)

Unfortunately, not everyone is educated about this important rule, and therefore, there are toys marketed for anal use that should NOT be going into butts! Either sex toy manufacturers are taking advantage of the public’s lack of knowledge, or the manufacturers don’t know this rule themselves (even though they MAKE sex toys)! I don’t know which I’d prefer to be true. Both are pretty terrible to think about. Here are a few examples:

No. Just no. No butt friendly approval. (Photo courtesy of O-Zone Romance.)

The description says: “Inserted into the vagina or anus, the vibrating effect of the balls movement will provide irresistable stimulation.” Ben-Wa balls should not go in your butt. That seems like a terrible idea; I don’t care what Wikipedia says. (Photo and misspelled description courtesy of Condom-USA.)

No. No butt friendly approval for this one either, even though it’s a “prostate massager” and therefore supposedly made for inserting into the butts of people with prostates. (Photo courtesy of Pleasure Playz.)

Beatnik Du Jour reminded me of another important point. (Thanks!) You know what else shouldn’t go into your butt? ANYTHING THAT WASN’T SAFELY DESIGNED TO GO INTO YOUR BUTT. This includes not just the things above, but also non-toy items that are not intended to be put into your ass (or vagina, for that matter). This includes cucumbers, carrots, markers, pens, etc. Even if you find something like this pen (which by the way, is really hard to write with), don’t do it. There’s often weird chemicals in that stuff. Just…bad idea.

So I hoped everyone learned a valuable lesson here today about what not to put in your butts! That should save you some medical bills (and pain).

Any thoughts? Let me know in the comments below!