If you don’t want to read about things like emotions and mental health, and just want to read about my sex life (which I totally understand!), scroll to the bottom of this post to get what you’re looking for.
So this is in two parts, because I’m too lazy to revise the first part (which I wrote a month ago) to make it applicable to now.
So you may have noticed that I haven’t posted for over a month. And maybe you’ve wondered why.
Well, the reason is because my depression has gotten worse.
A combination of loneliness, the feeling of rejection, lack of motivation to do anything, and the fact that my anti-depressant dosage (which I started this summer) is so low that it’s apparently not even supposed to be effective. (Then why the hell did my doctor give it to me?)
Oh, and it’s been harder to have orgasms (possibly because of my anti-depressant). Which is totally fine when I’m masturbating, because I enjoy taking longer when I masturbate (it usually is over pretty quickly). But when I’m with my boyfriend, it takes him longer, and it’s hard to have an orgasm. Also, since I only get to see my boyfriend about once a month, the long break between each visit makes my vagina go back to “pretty much a virgin” mode (I usually only stimulate my clit during masturbation, so my vagina doesn’t get any action when he’s gone). Sex has been hurting, not just because it stretches my tight vag open a lot, but also the walls of my vagina get irritated. Even the Pure Wand is kind of uncomfortable!
My boyfriend and I also had some problems lately. Like relationship problems. I don’t want to talk about it that much since we are now fine and dandy but the wounds are still fresh (and he’ll be proofreading this post for me). That conflict really took a toll on my mental health.
Lack of motivation has probably been the biggest reason why I haven’t blogged, though. I’m not saying that blogging is boring to me, and now that I’m typing again, I’m feeling a lot better about it. It’s just that I’ve lost motivation to do a lot of things. If I weren’t so academically oriented, I’d probably be failing my classes. My room is a fucking mess because I am extremely unmotivated to clean. Or do a billion different other things. Sometimes I’m even unmotivated to masturbate, even if I’m horny. Sometimes I’m too lazy to plug in my defective Salsa (which I’m too unmotivated to send in for repair). I haven’t had the desire to use a lot of my sex toys, except for the Salsa. (By the way, I am naturally a very motivated person, and definitely the opposite of lazy, so this is certainly a symptom of depression and not a character flaw.)
And writing reviews? I bet you can guess… unmotivated to do them.
I wish I could write a review this weekend, but since my boyfriend is here (and providing motivation), I really need to get other things done this weekend. Like clean. And take a shower. And do laundry. And go to CVS. And buy Drain-O (I can’t find the hair catcher thing that goes over my tub drain, so now it’s clogged). And of course, homework too.
And I should probably have sex with my boyfriend too. We tried last night but it kept hurting.
So I would write more about the feeling of rejection, but I don’t really feel like it. I should probably do other things right now, anyway.
Like call my doctor about my meds.
Thank you all for reading, and understanding. Well, hopefully you understand. If you don’t… oh well.
So I was going to post that stuff above that day, after my boyfriend proofread it. However, he never actually did. When I typed that post up, he was sleeping, and when he got up, we started touching each others’ naked bodies, and then we had a bunch of other stuff to do.
So since then, let’s see… what has changed? I’m still unmotivated to send in my Salsa. I’m still depressed, and feeling lonely, rejected, sad, etc. But I also have felt more regret recently. I feel like I’ve screwed up certain parts of my life, and I just want to relive the past 3 months, so I could do things right this time. But I can’t, which really, really sucks. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts lately, too. Don’t worry, though. I know the hotline numbers and everything.
I’m on new meds though! But I need a higher dose. My shrink put me on a really low dose to get me used to it, I guess. At least my sexual problems are almost completely gone! (Sex still hurts a bit sometimes, but definitely less than before. And I can have orgasms again! Yay!)
I really shouldn’t be up right now. I have a 9am class and I need sleep. But fuck that shit. Who needs sleep? (I actually do. But I guess I’ll deal.) I just really wanted to type this right now, since I started thinking about it in the shower for some reason.
Okay, time for the sex update:
My boyfriend and I managed to have anal sex to completion last month! And unlike last time (where it felt more interesting than pleasurable), it felt really, really good. Well, at least it did the second time he stuck his penis in. The first time, I was not warmed up enough, and it hurt quite a bit. So we then used the Tantus Ryder to warm me up some more, while he used the Salsa on my clit. Then when he entered me again (using lots of Spunk Lube Silicone to keep things slick), it went in nicely and felt AMAZING.
I just saw my boyfriend last week and we were naked for a lot of that time, but nothing too interesting to note. But my mouth has been getting sore lately while giving oral sex. It didn’t used to. Weird. It happened while we were 69ing, but I just used my hand to finish him off (the tip of his dick was still in my mouth, but it wasn’t moving).
So that’s all for now. I didn’t get on Twitter or check my email tonight, because I really have to go to bed, but hopefully I’ll get around to that within a few days, and hopefully I’ll get back to posting more soon. Hope you all are doing well!