Where the hell is Rosaline? + sex update

If you don’t want to read about things like emotions and mental health, and just want to read about my sex life (which I totally understand!), scroll to the bottom of this post to get what you’re looking for.

So this is in two parts, because I’m too lazy to revise the first part (which I wrote a month ago) to make it applicable to now.

November 2:

So you may have noticed that I haven’t posted for over a month. And maybe you’ve wondered why.

Well, the reason is because my depression has gotten worse.

A combination of loneliness, the feeling of rejection, lack of motivation to do anything, and the fact that my anti-depressant dosage (which I started this summer) is so low that it’s apparently not even supposed to be effective. (Then why the hell did my doctor give it to me?)

Oh, and it’s been harder to have orgasms (possibly because of my anti-depressant). Which is totally fine when I’m masturbating, because I enjoy taking longer when I masturbate (it usually is over pretty quickly). But when I’m with my boyfriend, it takes him longer, and it’s hard to have an orgasm. Also, since I only get to see my boyfriend about once a month, the long break between each visit makes my vagina go back to “pretty much a virgin” mode (I usually only stimulate my clit during masturbation, so my vagina doesn’t get any action when he’s gone). Sex has been hurting, not just because it stretches my tight vag open a lot, but also the walls of my vagina get irritated. Even the Pure Wand is kind of uncomfortable!

My boyfriend and I also had some problems lately. Like relationship problems. I don’t want to talk about it that much since we are now fine and dandy but the wounds are still fresh (and he’ll be proofreading this post for me). That conflict really took a toll on my mental health.

Lack of motivation has probably been the biggest reason why I haven’t blogged, though. I’m not saying that blogging is boring to me, and now that I’m typing again, I’m feeling a lot better about it. It’s just that I’ve lost motivation to do a lot of things. If I weren’t so academically oriented, I’d probably be failing my classes. My room is a fucking mess because I am extremely unmotivated to clean. Or do a billion different other things. Sometimes I’m even unmotivated to masturbate, even if I’m horny. Sometimes I’m too lazy to plug in my defective Salsa (which I’m too unmotivated to send in for repair). I haven’t had the desire to use a lot of my sex toys, except for the Salsa. (By the way, I am naturally a very motivated person, and definitely the opposite of lazy, so this is certainly a symptom of depression and not a character flaw.)

And writing reviews? I bet you can guess… unmotivated to do them.

I wish I could write a review this weekend, but since my boyfriend is here (and providing motivation), I really need to get other things done this weekend. Like clean. And take a shower. And do laundry. And go to CVS. And buy Drain-O (I can’t find the hair catcher thing that goes over my tub drain, so now it’s clogged). And of course, homework too.

And I should probably have sex with my boyfriend too. We tried last night but it kept hurting.

So I would write more about the feeling of rejection, but I don’t really feel like it. I should probably do other things right now, anyway.

Like call my doctor about my meds.

Thank you all for reading, and understanding. Well, hopefully you understand. If you don’t… oh well.

December 2:

So I was going to post that stuff above that day, after my boyfriend proofread it. However, he never actually did. When I typed that post up, he was sleeping, and when he got up, we started touching each others’ naked bodies, and then we had a bunch of other stuff to do.

So since then, let’s see… what has changed? I’m still unmotivated to send in my Salsa. I’m still depressed, and feeling lonely, rejected, sad, etc. But I also have felt more regret recently. I feel like I’ve screwed up certain parts of my life, and I just want to relive the past 3 months, so I could do things right this time. But I can’t, which really, really sucks. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts lately, too. Don’t worry, though. I know the hotline numbers and everything.

I’m on new meds though! But I need a higher dose. My shrink put me on a really low dose to get me used to it, I guess. At least my sexual problems are almost completely gone! (Sex still hurts a bit sometimes, but definitely less than before. And I can have orgasms again! Yay!)

I really shouldn’t be up right now. I have a 9am class and I need sleep. But fuck that shit. Who needs sleep? (I actually do. But I guess I’ll deal.) I just really wanted to type this right now, since I started thinking about it in the shower for some reason.

Okay, time for the sex update:

My boyfriend and I managed to have anal sex to completion last month! And unlike last time (where it felt more interesting than pleasurable), it felt really, really good. Well, at least it did the second time he stuck his penis in. The first time, I was not warmed up enough, and it hurt quite a bit. So we then used the Tantus Ryder to warm me up some more, while he used the Salsa on my clit. Then when he entered me again (using lots of Spunk Lube Silicone to keep things slick), it went in nicely and felt AMAZING.

I just saw my boyfriend last week and we were naked for a lot of that time, but nothing too interesting to note. But my mouth has been getting sore lately while giving oral sex. It didn’t used to. Weird. It happened while we were 69ing, but I just used my hand to finish him off (the tip of his dick was still in my mouth, but it wasn’t moving).

So that’s all for now. I didn’t get on Twitter or check my email tonight, because I really have to go to bed, but hopefully I’ll get around to that within a few days, and hopefully I’ll get back to posting more soon. Hope you all are doing well!

I have a new sex-positive friend!

A lot of my offline friends are uncomfortable talking about sex and/or sex toys, but I recently made a new sex-positive friend! Woohoo!

Well, I guess I have another one besides her, but my new friend is super open about her sexuality (the other one is more private). Being private is totally okay if that’s what makes you feel comfortable, but it’s nice for me to have someone to talk openly to.

Oh, and by the way, I’m friends with her for many other reasons besides her sex-positivity. Like she’s nice. And funny. And super awesome. (She’s a great cook too!)

But anyway, last night while drinking with some friends, and after talking about all sorts of sexual topics like Kegel balls, vibrators, anal sex, etc.,  I told them that I have a sex blog! They seemed pretty chill with it! I didn’t give any more details about it to the group, but my new sex-positive friend asked for the link, which I sent her.

So she’s now officially my second offline friend to know the URL of my blog! (The first is my boyfriend, and he sometimes gets uncomfortable reading it since he’s kind of prudish.) Which means she could be reading this right now!

HEY THERE BUDDY!! You rock.

So, to everyone wondering why the hell I posted this: this is basically a PSA on how having sex-positive friends is awesome.

Hope you’re having a great day!

So I called in to Sex Out Loud Radio…

…and they picked up! Yay!

I got to talk to Tristan Taormino and Cleo Dubois, and I got to ask Cleo a question! It was brief but still super awesome. Cleo answered my question very thoroughly, and pretty much everything else she said on the show was thorough and very informative!

If you weren’t listening in live, you can check out the episode here!

Oh, and because I called in, I got FREE PORN! They’re shipping me Tristan Taormino’s Guide to Bondage for Couples***, which is awesome because A) I love bondage, B) Anything Tristan makes is amazing, and C) Danny Wylde and James Deen are in it! YAY!!

I’m still having a serious fangirl moment over here, but I have a legit reason for it! Over the past month or two, I’ve been reconsidering my life path. Through my involvement in the sex blogging community, and becoming an avid consumer of sexuality related information, I’ve been thinking about maybe becoming a sex educator or sex therapist! I told my boyfriend this and he said he’s been thinking that I might end up on that path since January. Don’t worry, I’m not drastically changing my education path or anything. I’m still a psychology major! (And I’d probably still be one even if I go down the sex educator path – I could go to grad school for that.)

I’ve got enough time to think about what I want to do with my life – I’m just a sophomore in college. But it’s cool that I saw this new opportunity open up for me!

Oh, I still haven’t explained how that’s related to my fangirl moment; it’s because Tristan Taormino is a huge inspiration, as a strong, confident, intelligent, feminist sex educator. Hopefully that makes sense.

So, did you listen to Tristan and Cleo on Sex Out Loud Radio? What did you think? Let me know in the comments below!

***Update: They actually ended up sending me Chemistry, Vol. 1.

Internal conflict: Furries, tentacles, and an awesome blogger’s giveaway!

NOTE: I am not bashing furries or anyone who likes tentacles. Everyone has different preferences, and that’s totally okay. I’m just sharing mine.

So I’m not a furry.

Well, not in the sense of what many people consider a furry to be. I don’t think wanting to wear cat ears and a tail, or maybe a bunny tail, and using that to be a bit more playful in bed, counts enough to consider myself a furry. (Although with labels, self-perception is what counts most! No one can tell you what you are, except yourself.)

So when I discovered Bad Dragon, a company that makes really awesome sex toys modeled off of animals and fantasy creatures, I had a bit of an internal conflict. One’s opinion about a sex toy is not just about the physical sensations one gets when using the toy – the aesthetic of the toy also plays a role (ex: Epiphora hates the color pink, so pink sex toys make her really mad).

Some of Bad Dragon’s toys didn’t look too crazy or intimidating to me, so I thought to myself, while looking at their selection, “Hmmm… these toys would be cool!”

Now, concerning tentacles…

The first tentacle dildo I saw was from a company called Whipspider Rubberworks (here’s the tentacle dildo they sell). What did I think about that?

I was like, “HELL NO!” Something about tentacles, specifically the suckers on the bottom, creeped me out a bit.

And I didn’t look back on my feelings about this, until I saw a giveaway from Dizzygirl (from Novelties Toy Meets Girl) – a tentacle dildo from Bad Dragon. At first I thought “Maybe I won’t enter this one….”

But then I looked at the images again, and thought “those suckers could feel awesome in my vagina!”

Just because it looks like a tentacle doesn’t mean I would have to think about having sex with an octopus while using it. It could just be a cool looking dildo – and to be honest, it is cool looking, even when you don’t associate it with an octopus/squid/other animals that have tentacles. Maybe I’ll think it’s super creepy once I use it, but how could I know that until I try it?

So I decided to enter her giveaway!! And if you’re interested, you can too! (I highly suggest doing so; it support’s Dizzygirl’s blog, and she’s a great writer and a super nice person!)

So what are your feelings about this topic? Are you a furry? Do you like tentacles? Did you enter Dizzygirl’s giveaway? Anything else you’d like to say? Let me know in the comments below!

Periods (or lack thereof)

I was at the campus health center a few days ago, and of course, one of the first questions the nurse asked me was “When was your last period?”

Whenever doctors/nurses/other health workers ask me this, I have to launch into the “I don’t get periods” talk.

“WHAATTTTT?” You may be thinking. “This chick DOESN’T get periods! How lucky! And possibly unhealthy!”

Let me explain why.

I started menstruating when I was 13. Shortly thereafter, my periods got super wacky. And not just normal irregularity that is common when you first start menstruating. I mean super heavy, sometimes only 10 days between each period wacky. And bleeding through tampons and pants at school. It really sucked.

So we went to my gyny, who put me on birth control pills to regulate/lighten my flow. Yay!

My periods started to not just get lighter, but completely disappear – even when I was taking the placebo pills. So I asked my gyny about this, and she said “Well since you’re not getting periods anyway, just don’t bother taking the placebos. Go right to the next pack.” She wrote out my prescription so I would always be able to refill early and therefore be able to take a pill every day.

I haven’t gotten a period since (except for one week of spotting).

Sometimes when my friends find out I don’t get periods, they question whether or not that is healthy. Many people claim that it’s “unnatural” and therefore unhealthy to skip periods like that.

I’m not a medical professional, but the ones I’ve talked to have said there is no issue with it.** Blood doesn’t come out of my vagina – so what? The only reason I’d need a period is if I want reassurance that I’m not pregnant. (To be super safe, and for extra lubrication, my boyfriend and I use condoms anyway, so the likelihood of me getting pregnant is very low. I take a pregnancy test once in a while though, just to be sure.)

Here’s some of the benefits I reap from not getting a period:

1. I was at risk for developing iron deficiency anemia back when I was menstruating, but not anymore.

2. I help the environment – no more pad and tampon waste!

3. I didn’t particularly like the anxiety revolving around crazy heavy periods (When’s it gonna come? I hope I don’t bleed through my clothes! Oh no!), so none of that anymore!

How much does this lack of periods cost? Nowadays…. NOTHING!! Thanks to Obamacare! There’s many other benefits often associated with birth control pills in general, such as easing PMS, reducing acne, reduced risk of ovarian cancer, etc. But I just wanted to share the extra benefits I get from not getting a period at all.

Why did I write this post? I wanted to share my experience with being on continuous birth control. I hoped this post was enlightening, but remember to talk to your own doctor before making decisions like this!

Are you on continuous birth control? What are your experiences with it? Anything else you’d like to say? Let me know in the comments below!

**Although, if you’re considering skipping periods, you should talk to your own doctor first, since you may have different health concerns than I do.

My first time: Anal sex

NOTE: This is not my attempt at writing erotica. I use too many anatomical words for it to be erotic. I just wanted to share my experience, for knowledge’s sake. UPDATE: To see my guide to anal sex, click here.

About 6 months ago, I remember saying the words “I’ll never have anal sex.” Fast forward to two months ago: My boyfriend and I are on his floor – I’m on top of him, leaning back, and his dick is in my ass.

So how did that happen? One thing that many people are worried about with anal sex is making a mess and getting fecal matter on the penis/dildo/whatever’s going into the butt. I was worried about this too, and that’s why I didn’t want to try anal. But through research and education (thanks, Internet!), I learned that this is usually not the case. Poop is usually stored in the colon, and only stored in the rectum (which comes right after the anus) temporarily, when a person needs to use the bathroom. So I learned an important lesson: Just poop and clean around the anus beforehand. You’ll probably be fine.

My boyfriend and I actually started talking about anal play (or rather just “teasing”) about two or three months before our anal sex encounter occurred. He said he wasn’t comfortable with the idea, but he’d probably warm up to it. He eventually started lightly stroking the area around my anus (such a tease!), which made me want a lot more. On the day we ended up having anal sex, we weren’t actually planning on it beforehand. We were passionately making out in his bed, and he was stroking me around the opening, so I said “I just went to the bathroom, so you can tease me a bit more, if you’d like.” So he stuck his finger in. And it felt good! It felt weird as he pulled it out though; it felt like I was pooping. This is why I’m very glad I had already used the bathroom, so I didn’t poop on his finger. I asked to see his finger, and it wasn’t messy at all! There was just a clearish film present, and that wasn’t bad at all. He asked if I wanted two fingers inside. I said yes, and after he penetrated me that way for a while, I asked if he could use the tip of his penis. “You really want me to?” he asked. “Yes I do,” I said. “We can stop if it hurts.” He put on a condom (WHICH WAS SUPER IMPORTANT so germs from the anus didn’t enter his body through the urethra) – and he probably should have put some more lube on the already-lubricated condom, but I’d forgotten my lube at my house, and we were planning on going slowly anyways.**** And then he slowly entered me… and it felt good! Not amazing, not nearly as good as vaginal sex, but it was interesting. I asked him to go in further, so he did.

Then he started thrusting, and the bed was shaking and rattling too much (and his family was downstairs), so we got on the floor instead. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find a position that was both quiet and stimulating, and his penis kept slipping out, but the experience was pleasurable for both of us (except for when he went too deep – he said that was too tight for him). The thrusting did not feel like I was about to poop, as his fingers had done earlier, so I was very happy about that. He didn’t end up ejaculating because of our problems with positioning, but it was a good experience, and we hope to try it again sometime soon.

I hope my story was enlightening and maybe answered some questions you had about anal sex! Have you done it before? What was your experience? Anything else you’d like to say? Let me know in the comments below!

****Please use lots of lube! During this encounter, he was not fully erect, so we didn’t need as much lube. If you don’t use enough lube, it will likely hurt, and you could tear the lining of the anus or rectum! This will provide a direct path for bacteria to get into your bloodstream, which would totally suck because infections are no fun!

Being bisexual

Note: This post was inspired by Girly Juice’s post on her bisexuality. Go check it out!

So I’m bisexual. Seems simple enough – I’m attracted to men and women. But being bisexual can get kind of complicated sometimes.

Why? Let me tell you.

1. People don’t believe you when you say you’re bisexual.

One of the first times I came out was when I was drunk at a party. The guy actually didn’t believe me, and so he said “You’re just feeling more flirty and cuddly right now.” So I said, “No, I legitimately am bisexual. Text me tomorrow morning and I’ll say the same thing.” And he was like “Oh, okay, cool.” And then we started talking about doctors for some reason. I know this happens too when people say bisexuality is just a phase (like being “bicurious”), or just a stepping stone to coming out as a lesbian, but I haven’t come out to enough people to have any personal experience with this.

2. People assume you are attracted to them.

In contrast to the guy from above, a lot of my girl friends sometimes thought I was bisexual (this was even before I figured it out myself) because I’m super cuddly with them, so I haven’t come out to them yet, since I’m afraid they’ll assume my cuddliness means I’m attracted to them. No, it just means you’re my friend and I cuddle with my friends. Just because I am attracted to some people of your gender does not mean I’m attracted to you. Yes, I think many of my friends are pretty and I compliment them on that. That does not mean I’m attracted to them. I guess this whole issue is a problem for all queers, not just bisexuals.

3. Apparently I’m not a real bisexual because I haven’t kissed**/dated/had sex with a girl.

Just because I haven’t been with a girl doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to them. Straight people, you know you liked people of the opposite gender before you kissed/dated/had sex with one of them, right? It just so happens that my partner, who I love very much, is male. That doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to women.

4. People assume you’re a slut.

Well first of all, that’s slut shaming, and that’s bad. It’s perfectly okay to be a “slut” if you want to be. If your sex life isn’t hurting anyone else, why should they shame you for it?

Secondly, just because I have more options available for sex doesn’t mean I’m going to take all of them. Actually, I’m not going to take any of them. Unless they’re with my boyfriend, since he’s awesome.

Some studies suggest that bisexuals tend to have a higher sex drive. This does not mean they all have sex with many different people, but that bisexuals tend to be a bit hornier than everyone else.

So those are some of my thoughts about my bisexuality. Let me know what you think; are you bisexual? Do you have these same issues? Anything else you’d like to say? Leave a comment below!

**I technically have kissed a girl, but it was during Spin the Bottle, I wasn’t attracted to her, and it was just a peck, so I don’t count it.